You know that look that mothers get when their child is being way loud or out of control? We all have given that look. I hope I haven't too much...I usually look the way the screaming is coming from and then think in my head, "Come on - can't you control your child?"
Ahem, well, God has taught me a great lesson today and I am pretty sure I will never give the look again. Rob and I decided to go to our new ward today and make ourselves known and hopefully make friends with people. Sacrament meeting started at 11:00 a.m. and as we were singing the opening hymn, Sam decided to scream at the top of his lungs out of rage because Rob wouldn't let him play with the hymnal. {He has been doing this the past few days and it has really gotten on my nerves. I never was looking forward to pointless screaming like this...and I never expected it so young. Needless to say, I have been feeling really overwhelmed the past few days with this personality change.} Anyway, my hand instantly flew to cover his mouth and my head shot up instinctively to see if anyone was looking {I was raised to protect my image...weird, I know} and a girl over to my left was giving me the stare down with the look. It took me by surprise and then I instantly felt shame and guilt! All the memories of me thinking "why can't you control you child?" came through my head and I felt the judgement in me. It was awefull! I also instantly remembered my Dad in church always complaining when we sat next to certain families whose kids were typically loud. I felt his judgement as well...and that was awefull too! Holy crap. I pretty much cried the entire length of sacrament meeting and then was ok until we left and then cried all the way home and then some. I was overwhelmed and Rob could see that so he offered to pray in the car before we went up to our condo {I was feeling so overwhelmingly horrible about myself.} Later tonight he gave me a blessing and I have been feel pretty ok about things. I just knew I needed to get this off my chest.
Lessons I learned:
Ahem, well, God has taught me a great lesson today and I am pretty sure I will never give the look again. Rob and I decided to go to our new ward today and make ourselves known and hopefully make friends with people. Sacrament meeting started at 11:00 a.m. and as we were singing the opening hymn, Sam decided to scream at the top of his lungs out of rage because Rob wouldn't let him play with the hymnal. {He has been doing this the past few days and it has really gotten on my nerves. I never was looking forward to pointless screaming like this...and I never expected it so young. Needless to say, I have been feeling really overwhelmed the past few days with this personality change.} Anyway, my hand instantly flew to cover his mouth and my head shot up instinctively to see if anyone was looking {I was raised to protect my image...weird, I know} and a girl over to my left was giving me the stare down with the look. It took me by surprise and then I instantly felt shame and guilt! All the memories of me thinking "why can't you control you child?" came through my head and I felt the judgement in me. It was awefull! I also instantly remembered my Dad in church always complaining when we sat next to certain families whose kids were typically loud. I felt his judgement as well...and that was awefull too! Holy crap. I pretty much cried the entire length of sacrament meeting and then was ok until we left and then cried all the way home and then some. I was overwhelmed and Rob could see that so he offered to pray in the car before we went up to our condo {I was feeling so overwhelmingly horrible about myself.} Later tonight he gave me a blessing and I have been feel pretty ok about things. I just knew I needed to get this off my chest.
Lessons I learned:
1. It's really easy for the adversary to get into your head once you're already down
about yourself.
2. Don't Judge people! Judgement is only the job of the Savior's so keep your
thoughts and feelings at bay!
3. Moms need support! Thank you to Laurel who answered some questions and gave
me her opinion on how to handle my little guy when he freaks out {like most babies do}.
4. Don't take what your kids do personally. They love you and they are just kids.
5. I am going to try my hardest to not care what others think about me...
about yourself.
2. Don't Judge people! Judgement is only the job of the Savior's so keep your
thoughts and feelings at bay!
3. Moms need support! Thank you to Laurel who answered some questions and gave
me her opinion on how to handle my little guy when he freaks out {like most babies do}.
4. Don't take what your kids do personally. They love you and they are just kids.
5. I am going to try my hardest to not care what others think about me...
Yes, I have been overly emotional lately {and no I'm not pregnant}. But, this totally caught me out of the blue. I love my little guy so much, but lately I've been thinking "it would be so nice if it were just me and Rob again" and I hate thinking that sooo soo much! I miss alone time with Rob and I miss it being just us sometimes, but I could never give up Sam to have that again. Whoever first said that Motherhood is hard should be shot because that is such an understatement!
Jess, I totally understand how you are feeling. I went through quiet a few phases with Emily where I wished I wasn't a mommy, but I would never want to give her up. Don't worry it does get better. Now that she is a year it is better. She is a lot more head strong and knows what she wants, but it gets easier to handle. I had an experience like you at church. I was in RS on the front row and Emily gives a blood curdling scream, and the lady talking as I threw my hand over her mouth said, "Mean ol' Mommy..." which totally made it worse and more embarrassing. Good luck is all I can say because being a mom is hard and exhausting and so much more! For more you and Rob time put Sam to bed as early as you can. We try to get Emily to bed at 8 and then we have a few hours to ourselves, and what has really helped me out with tips and tricks is the Parents magazine which you can subscribe to free for 6 months on some websites. Sorry about the novel. Love Ya!
ReplyDeleteALL of us go through this, when Bianca did that in RS and everyone turned to look, I vowed I would not turn and look ever again, and if the mom is in my view I just give her a smile saying "I have been there, don't you even worry". No one understands until they have kids, and then they forget once their child is old enough. Everyone will give you an opinion on how to handle the screams, but I have found the Love and Logic for toddlers book is pretty good. Sure love ya!
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